The girlfriend

I met B's girlfriend last night. 

B is 13, almost 14.  She's in 8th grade.  Last night was the information night at the high school for the incoming Freshman. 

B told me a few weeks ago she had a girlfriend.  We were coming from the group for LGBTQ youth that she attends and I asked if she was "out" at school.  She told me, yes, the other kids knew and in fact, she now had a girlfriend. 

I think she had a different girlfriend over the summer.  Her older sister said she had.  She said she'd read some texts between the two girls that talked about made it clear.  But this is the first time she has told me and also the first time I met this girl.

The previous girl was a friend and she often slept over at her house.  Which makes me wonder, what are the rules for sleep-overs with gay kids?  B's best friend is a gay boy and they have had sleep overs before.  She also has a friend who is a trans boy and has asked if he can sleep over.  I don't know what's appropriate and what is not.  B is not a very sophisticated teen.  She thinks sex is gross.  I don't want to stifle her friendships, but I also don't want her to be in a situation that puts her in an uncomfortable place.

I saw this video recently and it is very sad.  No gay youth should have to struggle like that.  B's best friend probably had the hardest time of any of the other LGBTQ youth we know.  He is Hispanic and his parents didn't take the news well at first.  For the first several months he wasn't allowed to participate in family social events and they also didn't allow him to eat with them at first, but it is better now.

Christmas List

Like most parents, I have my kids make out Christmas lists every year. B's list had the kinds of things you might expect from a 13-year-old: iPhone 7, XBox games, a tea kettle, grey and black zip-up hoodies.  There was also something she didn't want listed.  In big letters it stated: NO MAKE UP.

B has worn make up for a couple of years.  At the beginning of this school year (you know - in September, just three months ago), she was wearing make up daily.  Her older sister, CJ, is almost 16 and wears make up.  They both have been known to watch youtube tutorials about how to apply make up.  But I guess part of the process of B exploring her own identity is that she doesn't want to look girly right now.

A couple of weeks ago, she was telling her dad that she wanted to get her hair cut again.  She has had a rather short cut since September.  She said she wanted to shave the sides and back (I believe this is referred to as a high and tight).  Basically a traditionally masculine cut.  Her dad said something about it not sounding very pretty.  He is kind of oblivious, but when B had left the room, I reminded him that she is exploring her identity and part of that is developing a more masculine look.  So he went and told her that he thought the new cut sounded fine.  He really is trying, but I guess just isn't very tuned into identity issues.

I must confess that this is all pretty foreign to me, as well.  I don't have any close friends who are lesbians.  Our youth pastor and next-door neighbor (same guy) is gay, but he is like 26 so we don't socialize as friends.  Really I just have a couple sets of FB friends who are married lesbians.  I am listening and trying to be understanding.  I am also asking my oldest daughter for help, like when I wanted to better understand the term pan-sexual or when I wanted to know more about the little relationship B had over the summer.

B has been going to an LGBTQI group at the community center on Friday afternoons.  Her best friend is gay and we try to ride-share.  I assume that she is learning about her identity as a lesbian from the kids in the group.  It is kind of interesting if you think about it.  While I know that lesbians don't have a certain look, it seems that queer youth start with the stereotypical identifiers (i.e. lesbians don't wear make up and have short hair) as they begin to establish their identity.

I guess we all do that, really.  We probably all did it multiple times.  Small children begin understanding the world with very rigid sexual traits.  Men have beards.  Women wear dresses.  Later we pick looks that appeal to us and mimic elements. Which explains why I chose this look in 1987:

Or does it?

 
 Here is a photo of my dog, Sam, and our Christmas tree. 
  

Being B's Mom

Welcome to my new blog, Being B's Mom.  My name is Amanda and I am the mother of two great teenagers.  My oldest, CJ, is 15 and my youngest, B, is 13.  I am 43 and divorced, although my kids' dad lives with us.  We live in a little house in Oregon.  We have an Australian Cattle Dog named Sam and B has a cat named Meelo.  The girls and I attend the local United Methodist Church.

Politically and socially, I am very liberal.  CJ volunteers for a teen program with Planned Parenthood.  I am a devastated Hillary supporter.  I'm worried about Aleppo, Syria this morning.  I just made the Matthew 25 pledge on my Facebook page: I pledge to protect vulnerable people in the name of Jesus. 

I am starting this blog because I want to talk about my daughter, B, who has come out as a lesbian this year.  I find that I don't have very many people in my life that I can talk to about it.  I have had a fitness blog since 2010 and at one point it was really meaningful in my life.  I have made friendships through blogging and it occurs to me that I could benefit from having other parents of LGBTQI kids in my life.  So please leave a comment.  If you blog, leave your blog address so I can follow you back.